2. COLLABORATION AND INFLUENCE

3. BALANCING LISTENING AND ASSERTING

4. ASSERTING YOURSELF

5. ASSERTING SKILLS

6. LISTENING TO OTHERS

7. BEING SENSITIVE TO NON-VERBAL SIGNS

8. WHAT MBTI^(R) TYPES LISTEN FOR

9. LISTENING SKILLS

10. UNDERSTANDING COLLABORATION

In collaboration, neither person's perspective dominates. Instead, a perspective emerges through dialogue that neither person would have had independently. Hence, collaborative relationships are inherently creative.

Collaboration depends on the following situational factors :

• Shared values
• Shared goals
• Shared perceptions
• Co-operative frame ( noncooperative)
• Trust ( history and consistency )
• People who collaborate must have shared values and goals. unless their values and goals are common, their desires and visions will work at cross purposes and they will have no basis for cooperation.``

Some situations ( like debates) are purposely competitive, and this obviously inhibits collaboration. Even when competition is implicit, such as the competition among colleagues for promotion, it often destroys the collegial atmosphere needed for effective collaboration.

Finally, people who collaborate must trust one another, and trust requires history ( especially a history of consistent behaviour) for people to learn to trust. Hence, it is less likely for strangers to collaborate than it is for colleagues who have worked together for a long period.

Conflict is the ultimate breakdown in collaboration. So the most effective approach to handling conflict is to try to build or rebuild a sense of collaboration with the people in conflict.

Consulting is the most obviously collaborative of the tactics because it explicitly seeks a shared solution. The only way you can consult is to establish a dialogue with the influencee in which views are exchanged and the solution emerges from the dialogue. This is the most powerful influence tactic.

Appealing to friendship and socialising are also collaborative because their power derives from reciprocation - from an implicit agreement to cooperate and to exchange influence. My friend, in effect, agrees to be influenced by me because he or she knows that I will agree to be influenced in return at some later point when my friend needs to influence me. When I socialise, I do not have any established relationship, so I rely on social customs of reciprocation.

Collaborative Tactics

Consulting

Appealing to friendship

Socialising

Exchanging

You can see an obvious contrast between these collaborative tactics and the ones that are noncollaborative, such as explaining ( logical persuading or legitimising ), inspiring ( appealing to values and modeling ), and stating. None of these tactics require or solicit active cooperation. Alliance building would seem to be collaborative, but it is really a way of magnifying one's power, and in use it is like legitimising.

Listening and asserting are not the same as hearing and speaking. Instead, they reflect which point of view is in my consciousness at any given moment. When I listen to others, I am allowing their point of view to prevail in my awareness; when I assert, my point of view prevails. To collaborate, I must balance the two perspectives in my awareness and allow the synergies from those competing views to emerge as insight.

How to Balance Listening and Asserting

• Have a collaborative attitude. If you are intent on winning or debating, you won't listen effectively.

• Take turns in the discussion and ensure a balance in " air time". When one person dominates, listening and asserting cannot be balanced.

• Periodically, summarize both positions or view points. Look for common ground and for areas where you diverge.

• If you feel that the other person is dominating and your viewpoint is underrepresented, assert more. Conversely, if you sense that you are dominating, be willing to listen more.

• If conflict occurs, act decisively to restore the balance.

When we assert ourselves, we exercise our right to be listened to , to have a point of view, to express our thoughts and feelings, to make our choices and agenda known, to ask for what we want, and to take responsibility for our feelings and actions.

Assertiveness has two foundations. The first is self-confidence. Self-confident people have a clear and positive self-image and are able and willing to express their needs and wants to others. Their self-confidence gives them the courage to speak up and take a stand. The second foundation is reciprocation - the willingness to allow others to be assertive. By definition, assertive people know and express their rights - and they respect others' rights to do the same, which makes them cooperative and reasonable.

Assertiveness is not the same as aggressiveness, which may be defined as controlling or manipulating, blaming others, being overly competitive, needing to win or prove others wrong, acting spitefully, or refusing to cooperate.

Aggressive people do express their point of view, and they do stand up for themselves- but they do it at the

Assertiveness is acting appropriately on one's own behalf while not violating the rights or stifling the viewpoints of others. Assertive people clearly and firmly express their own viewpoints but are willing to listen to others and collaborate if possible.

This can be difficult when the other person has considerably more power than you. People with more power often use it as leverage. Even when that occurs, however, you can choose to be appropriately assertive for the situation and clearly and firmly state your viewpoint.

Being assertive means knowing not only when to be assertive, but also how assertive to be. Different situations call for different levels of assertiveness. Proper assertiveness requires attention and sensitivity to the needs, feelings, values, operating styles, and resistance level of others.

Skilful assertiveness results in compliance and builds your power base by enhancing four of the five personal power sources ( expressiveness, attraction, character, and history). It builds an important organisational power source; your reputation. Being overly assertive or unnecessarily aggressive can damage your reputation, diminish your power base, and result in noncompliance or heightened resistance.

• Clarifying your intentions
• Remaining centered
• Expressing yourself
• Supporting your expression
• Persisting

Clarifying your intentions

The first and often the most difficult skill is simply knowing what you want, being clear about your goals and needs, and being clear about your rights. To be assertive, you have to feel assertive, and you have to act as though you have the right to assert yourself.

You must also know the limits of your personal and psychological space and know when those limits are being violated. If someone physically invades your space in a nonconfrontational manner, you can subtly change positions at an appropriate moment. If the person is being aggressive or confrontational, you will need to suggest that he or she maintain an appropriate distance :

I'd feel more comfortable, Ravi, if you'd take the chair on the other side of my table.

Remaining centered

Assertive people are emotionally balanced, which means that they are not emotional while being assertive. Their assertiveness is not motivated by anger, fear, or dominance, and they are able to balance their assertions with listening.

The skill is to be poised no matter what the circumstance, to be neither defensive nor aggressive. You accomplish this by feeling comfortable with your assertiveness while respecting other people's rights and perspectives. People who are quite good at this are calm while others around them are upset, and they do not allow their assertiveness to become aggressiveness, no matter how much resistance they might be experiencing.

Expressing yourself

First state your views clearly . Take the initiative in discussions. Volunteer, especially if no one else speaks up or if the point is being missed. Don't wait for for others to change the subject or introduce a new point or draw a conclusion. If no one seems to understand, get up and draw a picture. Offer to follow-up on something you have a stake in.

Make frequent, short contributions in meetings. Offer your insights; provide a new or additional perspective. Take it one step further. Be willing to dissent when you should. Believe in and promote your viewpoint, but without belabouring a point or beating an idea to death.

Speak firmly and concisely and avoid vague words or qualifiers like maybe, perhaps, I'm not sure, etc. Low-assertive people often qualify their statements or speak tentatively when offering ideas. So use a confident tone of voice. Don't disable your opinions by being tentative when you offer them. A bold and firm voice-polite but powerful - is a key to being assertive.

Excuse me, but we'll never come up with a plan that's within budget if only a few of us are willing to compromise.

Practice saying "no". If you have trouble saying "no" directly, then find subtler ways to say it :

I'm afraid I can't because it conflicts with my values / it's not consistent with my goals.

I'd do it, but I've made prior commitments.

Thank you for the offer, but I wouldn't enjoy it.

May be some other time.

Give assertive feedback on aggressive or offensive behaviour :

• Describe the behaviour
• Disclose how you feel about it
• Describe the effect on you

Your constant references to ethnic stereotypes bother me, and make me less receptive to your ideas.

Finally, react when aggressors interrupt and try to silence you :

Bob, you keep interrupting me. Please let me finish.

Supporting your expression

Use strong, definitive gestures and appropriate eye contact to reflect a more assertive posture :

• Maintain eye contact
• Stand, or sit erect, with shoulders squared
• Lean slightly toward the other person
• If you are sitting and want to be more assertive, stand
• Emphasise your strong points through facial expressions
• Gesture broadly, your arms and hands going outside the frame of your body
• Make sharp gestures, ones with definitive ending points
• Be more animated, expressive, and enthusiastic while speaking.

Persisting

Finally, have the courage to persevere. If you feel strongly about your position, then persist no matter how strong the opposition or resistance might be. At the same time, be resolved but open to collaboration.

Persisting does not mean insisting ; it does not mean that you should not be willing to compromise. Persisting means standing up for your rights and your viewpoint but being willing to find a collaborative solution, if necessary, that incorporates what you want- and enables others to achieve their goals as well.

Being assertive means taking responsibility for your actions and allowing others to be assertive in response. It also means finding the right time and place to be assertive. Don't assert at the beginning of overt conflict. Wait until people are calm and receptive to assertion. If you try to assert while others are angry or otherwise emotionally unbalanced, you may stiffen their resistance and exacerbate the situation.