Building Collaborations(contd.)-humanlinks.com

One of the most fundamental interpersonal skills is listening, and it is a key skill in building collaboration and handling conflict. In fact, many people will become more reasonable and cooperative if they feel they are being heard. Conversely, if people don't feel listened to, they may become more unreasonable simply because their point of view is not being heard and considered.

Listening is largely a matter of attending to the other person while he or she is speaking. We can all do it when we want to, but we often do not for various reasons. We may feel threatened by what is being said, or we may be too eager to express our own opinions. We may be distracted by something that has nothing to do with the immediate interaction.

The problem is that people speak at a far slower rate than our minds can process information, so we fill the void with our own stream of consciousness. To listen well, you have to concentrate on listening and block the other thoughts that try to intrude. In this regard, listening is a conscious choice.

Beyond deciding to listen, you can use several techniques to improve your listening skills and enforce your decision to attend to the other person. Periodically paraphrasing the other's ideas, for example, forces you to listen carefully and confirms that you have been listening. More importantly, it ensures you've actually heard and processed the other person's ideas. The key point to remember is that effective listening is a choice.

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You will be a more effective listener if you are sensitive to others' nonverbal signs. Nonverbals account for about 65% of the message in a face-to-face exchange.

Many nonverbal meanings are culturally specific and may have opposite meanings in different cultures. So be very aware of cultural differences in nonverbal communication. Here are some typical nonverbal signs and their meaning in the United States :

Enthusiasm / Agreement

Smiling or laughing, nodding of head, Leaning forward, Open posture, Eye contact, Closer proximity, Faster speech, Higher pitch

Confusion / Disagreement

Frowning, Shaking of head, Leaning back or oriented away, Pursing lips, Closed posture, Staring away, Slower speech, Lower pitch

Boredom / Disinterest

Neutral expression, Yawning, No eye contact, Fidgeting, Closed posture, Drifting attempts, Slow to respond, Neutral or "slurred" speech

Personal Space

Personal space refers to the invisible boundaries we maintain between ourselves and others. Studies indicate that Americans prefer these proximity's :

Personal distance -1.5 to 4 ft. the proximity allowed for friends and intimates.

Social distance - 4 to 12 ft. The usual distance for social and business transactions.

Public distance - 12 ft. or more. The distance preferred for strangers in public.

What people "hear" depends on what they listen for. Each of us listens with a series of memories, experiences, knowledge, biases, assumptions, and emotional filters that affect how we interpret the messages being sent to us. One way to think about these filters is to look at what the Myers - Brigg types typically listen for .

Sensors

Connections with what they already know
Facts and details
Building blocks ; foundations
Proven procedures; methods
Practical applications
Simplicity
Steps
Precision

Intuitors

Something unknown, mysterious, or challenging
Conclusions
Innovation or opportunities for creative insights
Gaps in knowledge
The "big picture"; the way it fits together

Thinkers

Logical connections or sequences

Analytical data ; proofs
Ideas, concepts, theories
Content depth
Intellectual challenge

Feelers

Relevance
Values; evaluation
Cooperation;harmony
Emotions

Judgers

Organisation
Decisions and time frames
Finality and certainty
commitment
Opportunities for planning

Perceivers

New perspectives
Flexibility
Opportunities for change
Opportunities for learning
The unexpected

Listening involves a set of skills that require constant practice and attention to overcome barriers we often meet.

Barriers to listening

When we are not listening effectively, it is often because we are blocked by various emotional and cognitive filters, including :

Activities or tasks that engage our attention
Attitudes
Assumptions and beliefs
Biases / prejudices
Concerns
Cultural / social roles / attitudes
Expectations
Experiences
Feelings about the topic
Gender roles / attitudes
History with the speaker
Interests
Memories ( which may be evoked by the speaker )
Needs or values that differ from the speaker's

These emotional and cognitive barriers are powerful barriers to listening, and they are especially harmful when you are unaware of them.

There are four effective listening skills that will help you overcome listening barriers :

Releasing your agenda
Attending to the speaker
Amplifying the speaker's ideas
Reflecting the speaker's ideas

Releasing your agenda

the prerequisite for effective listening is releasing your agenda, which means (1) temporarily suspending your communication goals (2) being open-minded and willing to consider other views, and (3) being patient and not interrupting.

You have to be open to influence to be a good listener. If you are too set in your agenda, too focused on your point of view, and unwilling-for whatever reasons-to consider alternatives, then your mind ( and ears ) will be closed.

So the first step is to be present , mentally and physically, when someone is speaking to you and to temporarily suspend your agenda.

This does not mean that you should be without any perspective; it simply means that while listening, you must be open to other perspectives and willing to consider them.

People who are skilled at this are patient listeners who rarely interrupt others. So practice the skill, try two things. First, while the other person is speaking, do not rehearse your next argument. Second, do not interrupt the other person. Be patient and concentrate on the speaker's points.

Attending to the speaker

When you attend to someone, you are "with" that person throughout the interchange, physically and mentally. The basic attending skills are as follows :

Orient your body toward the speaker
Maintain appropriate eye contact
Be sensitive to incongruence in the speaker's verbals and nonverbals
Reflect the speaker's physical attitude.

Amplifying the speaker's ideas

When you amplify a speaker's ideas, you extend them and build upon them, not only by contributing ideas but by asking questions that encourage the speaker to expound. In either case, it demonstrates good listening.

The three ways to amplify are

to encourage the speaker
to inquire or ask clarifying questions, and
to build or add information that furthers the line of thought.

Reflecting the speaker's ideas

Reflecting is one of the more advanced listening skills. To reflect, you must transform what you hear and feed it back in ways that enhance both your and the speaker's understanding of the message. The four ways to reflect are

Summarising
Paraphrasing
Contrast or differ constructively, and
Note the speaker's feelings.

To build collaboration, you must first ensure that nothing in the situation inhibits collaboration. If the situation is problematic, then work on it. Examine the values, goals, and perceptions you share ( or don't ). See if it is possible to create a mutual understanding of your facts and assumptions.

If the situation is inherently competitive, see if you can make it less competitive. Finally, try to build more trust between you and the other person by developing a good history of interaction and by behaving consistently toward the other. If the situation will permit collaboration, then ask whether you are behaving collaboratively. Are you being too assertive or aggressive ? Not listening ? Feeling competitive ? Trying to win at the other person's cost ?

If you are behaving collaboratively, then determine whether the other person is as well.

If not, then determine the right response to conflict. You cannot force others to collaborate, but you can model collaborative behaviour.If all these conditions are true, then you should be able to create a dialogue with the other person and collaborate by balancing listening and asserting.